i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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