He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
