I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
It's like God shit irony all over that family
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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