sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
