I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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