I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
