I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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