Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
