My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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