get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
