I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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