Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
