just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
