god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
