i just sent this text using only my big toe
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
