i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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