We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
