I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
