my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I am one with the molecules
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
