great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
