A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
