In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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