I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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