Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
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Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
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Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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