mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
