I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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