Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize