I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
