How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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