By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
