I accidentally had phone sex last night
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
