Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
