He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
