Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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