GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
