also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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