2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
