I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
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