I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
