you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
