I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
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Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
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Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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