What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
