I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
