I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
