Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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