apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
