Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
