Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
