i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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