my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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