i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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