there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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