He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
