..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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