i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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