his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
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I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
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Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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