i think i have two assholes
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
